23 October 2009

Is More Creepy, Less Creepy?

By nature, all vans yearn to be creepy vans.  This is because to a van- creepiness is synonymous with sexiness.  Creepiness gets you noticed; it gives you the option of being revved by only the creepiest of humans; and if you are creepy enough, people will write about your assets on creepy van websites.

But like sexiness, if taken to the extreme, creepiness will appear to be unnatural, sleazy, and obvious. Such is the case with this creepy van that I encountered at the Wal-Mart. As I have highlighted below, all of the creepy components were there: a sexy lady license plate holder, curtains made from sensual cotton sheets, a long ladder, and in true creepy van fashion; it was cruising with a creepy conversion comrade.        


It is likely that you are thinking what I was thinking when I first examined this van.  That this van is a poser.  Maybe this rationale is correct.  However, when you stop to think about the situation, you cannot deny the fact that this van really creeps you out. 

16 October 2009

A Creepy Smurf Van

Remember those small blue creepy creatures, the Smurfs?

They were big in the 80s; were sold to children as creepy figurines, and were eventually turned into the creepiest of all entertainment mediums-an Ice Capades show.

Now take a look at this van:

Creepy resemblance, no?

I will admit that when I first saw this blue beast; I was not immediately creeped out. First of all, it is big and it is baby blue. Furthermore, because of its creepy paint job, it stands out in a sea of conservatively colored minivans. If Van Smurf were to be put in a lineup with other vans, the characteristics that make it creepy would also make it impossible to misidentify. Hence, this van is not easy to hide and therefore it is only mediocrely creepy.

But just as I was about to drive away, out emerged a white, middle-aged, socks with sandals wearing man from the van.  Once I saw him, I knew. A man such as this would only drive a creepy van. A creepy smurf van. 

09 October 2009

Where There Is One Creepy Van...

Creepy vans, much like scorpions, like to travel in pairs.

I became aware of this fact today while cruising by my local Home Depot's parking lot.  As you can clearly see, both of the vans in this picture are textbook examples of creepy vans.

However, what is missing from this picture are the tons more really creepy, mildly creepy, and borderline creepy vans that were lurking all over the place.  Have creepy van owners caught on to the fact that people are avoiding their natural creepy habitats so now they are gathering in locations that were once deemed creepy van free?

06 October 2009

What's Creepier Than a Politician?

You guessed it.  A creepy politician's creepy white van. 

Who is this Lina Ortega and what office is she running for you ask?  Beats me.

This is what I know:  Ms. Ortega is a Democrat, she is creepy, and she likes to paint creepy things on vans.  Furthermore, judging from the make/model/shared ad space on her Dodge, she is so creepy that it hurts her ability to fundraise.  How does this woman expect anyone to take her or her candidacy seriously when she's driving around town creeping out all of her would be constituents? 

Caution Children: Creepy Ice Cream Van

You know those Caution Children signs that are usually displayed on the back of Ice Cream Vans?  This saying took on a whole different and creepy meaning when I spotted this van driving through the streets of my mother's neighborhood.

Note the little girl in the picture. Her body language says so much.  If this van were not the creepiest thing she had ever seen in her short life, she would be running towards the ice cream van.  Instead, what is she doing? She's standing firm and covering her ears so as to drown out its haunting tune. 

This Nacho Van

What differentiates a Creepy Van from your run-of-the-mill sketchy Astro Minivan? The answer is more complicated than one would think.  There are several factors that catapult vans into the elusive creepy category.  The obvious being creepy owners, sheets for curtains, parking said van in a parking lot next to a schoolyard full of playing children, missing hubcaps, dreamcatchers.  However, while these qualities assist one in identifying which vans not to park next to on a dark night, they are not always foolproof.  This is why I have taken it upon myself to document the truly remarkable creepy vans that I come across while going about my daily business.  That and because spotting a van (hopefully from a distance) that disturbs your being can be quite a rush. 

Take for instance - Van: Nacho & Son.  I spotted this beauty in El Paso, Texas while driving through the central side of town.  Although the busted front tire and graffiti markings make it appear to be undriveable, do not be fooled.  This van is creepy.  What makes it even creepier is that the owner is apparently a businessperson named Nacho.  The logo emblazoned on his van makes it clear that Mr. Nacho is very proud of the fact that he has a "son."  However, if he is proud enough to name his business Nacho & Son, why not specify the son's name?  Would it have been less creepy if the van's logo read "Nacho & My Son Nachito?" Is it perhaps because there is no Nachito and this name and van is merely a ploy by Mr. Nacho to make himself appear less creepy to those he offers his services and/or rides to? Likely.