25 January 2010

Flower Children Don't Drive Creepy Vans.

Contrary to popular opinion, there are only two types of hippies: happy hippies that love trees and creepy hippies that hate bathing.  

The two groups are often times mistaken for one another and it is understandable to see why.  Both breeds favor communal living arrangements, free love as opposed to costly love, and making said love over making hateful war.  But the key similarity that they share is their affinity for grooving around town in a legit Volkswagen Type 2 Hippie Van. 

Many of you are wondering how I know so much about the hippies.  The answer is one-fold, I live in California.  However, my residency here is recent and up until my arrival a few months ago, I was under the false impression that creepy hippie vans would be lining every single street in CA.  This assessment is inaccurate largely because not all hippie vans are creepy vans.
For example, note the following VW van that I found on a hippie website.  It just isn't creepy.  In fact, it kind of makes you smile. 

Now compare it to this VW creepy van that I saw at the beach:

It is the embodiment of creepy.  Furthermore, I can say with certainty that creepy hippies live in it because I saw them and they scared me.  Why did they scare me? Because it was at the exact moment that they noticed me noticing them that I recalled that Charles Manson was also a California hippie.  The breed of hippie known for driving this type of creepy van. 

05 January 2010

Creepy Vans Are for Lovers

A recent study by Colorado State University found that road rage is directly linked to the number of bumper stickers a person has on their car, regardless of the messages portrayed on said bumper stickers.

Fortunately, this study does not apply to creepy vans.  Creepy van owners do not need creepy adhesive labels to ponder philosophical questions, clarify their political positions, or shout out to the world that they heart kids.  This is because a favorite pastime of creepy van people is to paint these creepy slogans on their vans.  

Imagine a person, maybe not unlike yourself, that one day sees a catchy sticker, buys it, and then places it on their bumper.  Now imagine a person that one day goes to the hardware store, lurks in a paint aisle, purchases a palette, and then drives home in their creepy white van with the intent to coat the van with meaning and color.  Which person is creepier?  

Obviously the answer is the person that drives either one of  these creepily painted vans:

In closing, remember that these vans are not standalone creepy.  Their owners, creepy people with van painting hobbies, are what transform them from kinda sketchy vans into painted creepy vans.