Creepy Vans Are for Lovers

A recent study by Colorado State University found that road rage is directly linked to the number of bumper stickers a person has on their car, regardless of the messages portrayed on said bumper stickers.

Fortunately, this study does not apply to creepy vans.  Creepy van owners do not need creepy adhesive labels to ponder philosophical questions, clarify their political positions, or shout out to the world that they heart kids.  This is because a favorite pastime of creepy van people is to paint these creepy slogans on their vans.  

Imagine a person, maybe not unlike yourself, that one day sees a catchy sticker, buys it, and then places it on their bumper.  Now imagine a person that one day goes to the hardware store, lurks in a paint aisle, purchases a palette, and then drives home in their creepy white van with the intent to coat the van with meaning and color.  Which person is creepier?  

Obviously the answer is the person that drives either one of  these creepily painted vans:

In closing, remember that these vans are not standalone creepy.  Their owners, creepy people with van painting hobbies, are what transform them from kinda sketchy vans into painted creepy vans.  

The DJ: A Jockey of Discs and Creepy Vans

Disc jockeys are creepy: to begin with. There is no doubt about that.

How can I be so sure? Is it because when I see one, my mind instantly makes a connection between them and creepy carnival people? The nomadic tribe of nomads, known almost as much for their night time traveling, as they are for their creepy vans filled with bearded ladies and creaky ‘coasters?

Of course it is. All of their characteristics and mechanisms are the same. Except that instead of cruising their creepy vans from one desolate destination to the next; Disc jockeys will choose a wedding, bar mitzvah, and exclusive underground rave as their stage.

Up until the other night, I could dismiss these similarities as creepy but convenient coincidences. Good logic, not enough evidence.

Well, now I say to you, here is that evidence:

Behold, a creepy van owned by a disc jockey so creepy, he is known simply as DJ Ivan "The Terrible" Creepster.  Let this serve as a valuable lesson to you;  the next time you are wanting to entertain guests, hire a clown.


Author’s note: This creepy van was parked in a downtown hotel docking area. As my friend and I were taking pictures of it for this entry, we heard the unmistakable sound of a car window being broken nearby. Needless to say, it was creepy and a reminder that where there is a creepy van, there is sure to be creepy activity.