Flower Children Don't Drive Creepy Vans.

Contrary to popular opinion, there are only two types of hippies: happy hippies that love trees and creepy hippies that hate bathing.  

The two groups are often times mistaken for one another and it is understandable to see why.  Both breeds favor communal living arrangements, free love as opposed to costly love, and making said love over making hateful war.  But the key similarity that they share is their affinity for grooving around town in a legit Volkswagen Type 2 Hippie Van. 

Many of you are wondering how I know so much about the hippies.  The answer is one-fold, I live in California.  However, my residency here is recent and up until my arrival a few months ago, I was under the false impression that creepy hippie vans would be lining every single street in CA.  This assessment is inaccurate largely because not all hippie vans are creepy vans.
  
For example, note the following VW van that I found on a hippie website.  It just isn't creepy.  In fact, it kind of makes you smile. 

Now compare it to this VW creepy van that I saw at the beach:

It is the embodiment of creepy.  Furthermore, I can say with certainty that creepy hippies live in it because I saw them and they scared me.  Why did they scare me? Because it was at the exact moment that they noticed me noticing them that I recalled that Charles Manson was also a California hippie.  The breed of hippie known for driving this type of creepy van. 

Creepy Vans Are for Lovers

A recent study by Colorado State University found that road rage is directly linked to the number of bumper stickers a person has on their car, regardless of the messages portrayed on said bumper stickers.

Fortunately, this study does not apply to creepy vans.  Creepy van owners do not need creepy adhesive labels to ponder philosophical questions, clarify their political positions, or shout out to the world that they heart kids.  This is because a favorite pastime of creepy van people is to paint these creepy slogans on their vans.  

Imagine a person, maybe not unlike yourself, that one day sees a catchy sticker, buys it, and then places it on their bumper.  Now imagine a person that one day goes to the hardware store, lurks in a paint aisle, purchases a palette, and then drives home in their creepy white van with the intent to coat the van with meaning and color.  Which person is creepier?  

Obviously the answer is the person that drives either one of  these creepily painted vans:

In closing, remember that these vans are not standalone creepy.  Their owners, creepy people with van painting hobbies, are what transform them from kinda sketchy vans into painted creepy vans.  

A Creepy (Mini)van?

It is not necessary to inquire into why minivans are not creepy vans because it would be offensive to do so. Minivans are modern day living rooms except they frolic - on wheels. They house children, pets, soccer balls, crock pots, televisions, and so on.

Considering the aforementioned, when I first started taking note of creepy van culture, I assumed that a minivan would never grace the pages of creepyvans.com.  As per usual, my assumption was incorrect. This is because it is a creepy van’s pupose to know how to creep you out, by catching you off guard.

So, where does a minivan go to transform into a catch-you-off-guard creepy van? Perhaps a botanical shop that specializes in delivering flowers?  Absolutely. 

I became aware of this creepy (mini)van’s existence while driving by a seemingly uncreepy shopping center in Texas one dreary afternoon. Obviously, I know that this minivan gives all who witness it the creeps because it gave me the creeps. However, I suspect that some of you have doubts about this van's creepy status. 

So, I will leave you with the following question: Is this the van you want delivering flowers to the home of your beloved?

The DJ: A Jockey of Discs and Creepy Vans

Disc jockeys are creepy: to begin with. There is no doubt about that.

How can I be so sure? Is it because when I see one, my mind instantly makes a connection between them and creepy carnival people? The nomadic tribe of nomads, known almost as much for their night time traveling, as they are for their creepy vans filled with bearded ladies and creaky ‘coasters?

Of course it is. All of their characteristics and mechanisms are the same. Except that instead of cruising their creepy vans from one desolate destination to the next; Disc jockeys will choose a wedding, bar mitzvah, and exclusive underground rave as their stage.

Up until the other night, I could dismiss these similarities as creepy but convenient coincidences. Good logic, not enough evidence.

Well, now I say to you, here is that evidence:

Behold, a creepy van owned by a disc jockey so creepy, he is known simply as DJ Ivan "The Terrible" Creepster.  Let this serve as a valuable lesson to you;  the next time you are wanting to entertain guests, hire a clown.


Author’s note: This creepy van was parked in a downtown hotel docking area. As my friend and I were taking pictures of it for this entry, we heard the unmistakable sound of a car window being broken nearby. Needless to say, it was creepy and a reminder that where there is a creepy van, there is sure to be creepy activity.

Is More Creepy, Less Creepy?

By nature, all vans yearn to be creepy vans.  This is because to a van- creepiness is synonymous with sexiness.  Creepiness gets you noticed; it gives you the option of being revved by only the creepiest of humans; and if you are creepy enough, people will write about your assets on creepy van websites.

But like sexiness, if taken to the extreme, creepiness will appear to be unnatural, sleazy, and obvious. Such is the case with this creepy van that I encountered at the Wal-Mart. As I have highlighted below, all of the creepy components were there: a sexy lady license plate holder, curtains made from sensual cotton sheets, a long ladder, and in true creepy van fashion; it was cruising with a creepy conversion comrade.        

   

It is likely that you are thinking what I was thinking when I first examined this van.  That this van is a poser.  Maybe this rationale is correct.  However, when you stop to think about the situation, you cannot deny the fact that this van really creeps you out. 

A Creepy Smurf Van

Remember those small blue creepy creatures, the Smurfs?

They were big in the 80s; were sold to children as creepy figurines, and were eventually turned into the creepiest of all entertainment mediums-an Ice Capades show.

Now take a look at this van:


Creepy resemblance, no?

I will admit that when I first saw this blue beast; I was not immediately creeped out. First of all, it is big and it is baby blue. Furthermore, because of its creepy paint job, it stands out in a sea of conservatively colored minivans. If Van Smurf were to be put in a lineup with other vans, the characteristics that make it creepy would also make it impossible to misidentify. Hence, this van is not easy to hide and therefore it is only mediocrely creepy.

But just as I was about to drive away, out emerged a white, middle-aged, socks with sandals wearing man from the van.  Once I saw him, I knew. A man such as this would only drive a creepy van. A creepy smurf van. 

Where There Is One Creepy Van...

Creepy vans, much like scorpions, like to travel in pairs.

I became aware of this fact today while cruising by my local Home Depot's parking lot.  As you can clearly see, both of the vans in this picture are textbook examples of creepy vans.

However, what is missing from this picture are the tons more really creepy, mildly creepy, and borderline creepy vans that were lurking all over the place.  Have creepy van owners caught on to the fact that people are avoiding their natural creepy habitats so now they are gathering in locations that were once deemed creepy van free?